Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
