I looked at my own cervix.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
