you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
