i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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