I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
