Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
