Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
