So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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