You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I pour the whiskey from now on
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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