can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
