dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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