If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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