If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
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The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
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She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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