The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
