dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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