He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
