You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
