TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
