saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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