I'm really into asian looking animals
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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