he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
