I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
this must be what syphilis tastes like
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
