My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
