I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
