Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
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This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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