The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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