I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
