Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
