I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
