from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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