My hand turned me down
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
