Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
