My friends, they love my intelligence
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
