I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
