i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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