I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
