This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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