Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the day after is always just damage control
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
