census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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