i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
