There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
