bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
