Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
