Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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