Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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