you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
