haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
