I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize