I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.