Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
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I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.