so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
