fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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