I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
