After last night, I could never be a politician.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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