Say something about gay babies.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
